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(((stereofect)))
Joined: 09/02/01
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1333
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A WEEK AT THE GYM
Friday, February 8, 2008 at 6:22 AM
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For my birthday my son purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football player 30 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My son seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another one like her to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my son will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or colonoscopy.
“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.” Albert Einstein
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Kylo
Joined: 02/16/05
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 787
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RE: A WEEK AT THE GYM
Friday, February 8, 2008 at 11:17 AM
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Belinda!? That's like 'Malinda' but barbaric sounding. And Melinda is already a tough girl name. lol
Well, I've never had one-- but I absolutely hate the level of thought that goes into personal traning!!! 9 times outta ten they forget what it's like to not have as much endurance as people who are starting up again. At least you didn't get some 18 year old trying to "move up" in rank. I've seen some seniors getting overwhelmed from that and it really pissed me off; I actually went and said something to the club desk and made sure they got through to the "operations department".
I remember an old lady coming up to me at a water fountain and she asked me if it's normal to feel scared of stretching her legs!! Terrible man- I told her that "You are definitely the only person that knows your body better than anyone. If you feel like stretching hurts too much at a certain point, don't let them push on your back!!"
She of course agreed with me.
There's a guy in my running club who dropped 140 pounds in the last two years and his motto is START SLOW AND TAPER OFF!! The whole point is to feel confident of your endurance and to know what you can do. Work yourself up- I gaurentee that Belinda started the same way. Either that or she's that synthetic life-form that IBM made last month right? 
Good job putting up with that one Steve. Try a local running club on Sundays in the future if you really feel like you want to get back into it. At first, my room mate Grant kept dragging me into the races when I only had three hours of sleep from working on saturday nights... uuuhhh... I feel your pain man.
The great thing about it, is it attracts good folks and really hones in on beating "your clock".
Well you know what I'm saying. Just avoid the spawn of satan in those stinky old gyms.
This is the running club I go to on Sundays: http://www.dserunners.com
Of course I live pretty close to most of the race tracks so it's 10 times easier for me to get to the course.
"Energizer bunny arrested- charged with battery."
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Multi-Panel
Joined: 09/23/01
Posts: 217
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RE: A WEEK AT THE GYM
Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 1:08 AM
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amazing story halfway i was thinking if this was actually not "4 real" and just a great joke you read on the internet and decided to share with us.
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(((stereofect)))
Joined: 09/02/01
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1333
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RE: A WEEK AT THE GYM
Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 1:41 AM
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“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.” Albert Einstein
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Subtronik
Joined: 01/14/03
Posts: 1193
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RE: A WEEK AT THE GYM
Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 4:06 AM
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Yeah that's funny, where'd you find it?
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