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louwhoz
Joined: 03/13/05
Posts: 429
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Lost a friend recently
Tuesday, January 29, 2008 at 10:06 AM
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I knew Richard for at least nine years. He was already sick back then...old, hard life, ex airforce, no regrets. I met him through my government job where we had the unique experience of working together (as technician and client) for three hours a day, five days a week, for over five years. Once I left that job we continued to stay in touch via phone calls and email and lunch together at least twice a month.
During our visits he would tell me about 'The War', which for him meant WWII, Korea and Vietnam. Sometimes he would cry while we drank our beer. He told me about all of the women he had loved...and lost. He told me about his family, his wonderful daughter and awesome son-in-law. He was right about them, because when the time came, and his health declined, they did not hesitate to move him into their home.
Eventually he was placed on oxygen 24/7 and reduced to zipping around the house on a cart (Lark?). I would visit him at his daughter's and we would continue (now over ice cream instead of beer) the story of his life. We covered jobs (he held so many over the years) and adventures....the man LOVED Bangkok!  The last thing he gave me was a cd of Bonnie Tyler because we used to sing 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' together. It never failed to make him laugh.
I got to visit him several times in hospice, but we never had a chance to really say goodbye to each other because he was so sedated. I had the honor of being there right after he passed and got to spend time with the family. They said it was fast and painless...I hope so.
The reason I felt compelled to share all of this is the sad fact that when we (friends and family) got together for a good 'ol fashioned Irish wake I realized his daughter knew nothing about him. All of the wonderful stories he had shared with me over the years, the tears, the joys, the frustrations...none of it. She did not even know that one of his girlfriends had died a few years ago.
It's not that they weren't close. And, sadly, it's not a very rare situation. The more I talk to people the more I realize that many of us fall into this catagory...do we really know our parents? Have we taken the time to talk to them? Have we asked them the questions we always believe we will have the time to ask 'later'? I believe it is human nature to share more with buddies than family, but that does not mean we should not try. I know my Dad has many painful memories about Vietnam that he simply cannot share with me...I accept that. But I want him to know that I am always here, and I would always listen, should he change his mind. Maybe he could write some of them down and seal them. I always wished Richard had done that. This has also made me look into interviewing more of my older relatives, for posterity. Video, audio, whatever. Everyone has a story.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: I don't want to be sitting around toasting the memory of my father someday and realize I didn't know him.
Here's to Richard!
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Kylo
Joined: 02/16/05
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 787
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RE: Lost a friend recently
Tuesday, January 29, 2008 at 11:20 AM
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Well yeah, you know I grew up on the same property with my whole maternal side of the family-- I know all of my cousins pretty well except two. The funny thing was, they were right across the mountain from us but their father (my uncle) joined Jehova's Witness etc... We never saw them at all.
When our grandpa passed away about 5 years ago, it sucked. (of course) but the two cousins I talk about were so upset about not knowing him well enough to have any good memories.
I guess that made all us that were on the same 40 acres thankful for it. Yet, even after they came over to mourn with us, they only stayed for a few hours... and back to their lives so quickly.
Memory is such a powerful tool to feel at ease in life. You can think of it as a tool, or a blessing etc... you choose the word I guess. 
"Energizer bunny arrested- charged with battery."
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louwhoz
Joined: 03/13/05
Posts: 429
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RE: Lost a friend recently
Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 8:30 AM
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Thanks, Kylo. I hope more people make an effort to truly get to know the folks around them...and not just family.
Oh...I'm feeling mushy, I guess.
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Kylo
Joined: 02/16/05
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 787
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RE: Lost a friend recently
Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 10:23 AM
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Mushyness is only a highly appreciated product for anyone given the right time.  
"Energizer bunny arrested- charged with battery."
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(((stereofect)))
Joined: 09/02/01
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1333
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RE: Lost a friend recently
Thursday, January 31, 2008 at 5:31 AM
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I worked with a woman who only recently (in the last 15 years) found out her father had been in the german army during WWII. He never ever talked about his experience 'til late in life. Near the end of the war, he was 14 at the time, he was "drafted" in the middle of the night, tossed into the back of a truck and sent to Russia where he was promptly caught and sent to a concentration camp. At the end of the war he and any other prisoners still alive were let go, but they had to make their own way back to Germany. Walking at night and hiding during the day so they wouldn't be killed by the locals. Guess is he witnessed some pretty horrible autrocities, but was lucky enough to have been young and was protected from the Russian soldiers by the older men in the camp. I would've really liked to meet that man. Hearing his POV about the war would've been very interesting. A POV we rarely hear about.
As for me... I'm lucky in that I had a father who was a writer. Not only was he a published (albiet limited) writer but he kept a daily diary for the last forty years of his life. One page per day. His hand-writing was pretty shakey in the end, but still legible enough. it's a lot of books, but I have 'em all. Some entries are only a couple lines, others are more detailed. Lots of observations about birds, trains, the weather (go figure). And family history as well as local and national history was of great importance to him and my mother. Values I still carrry with me to this day.
On a side note...
As a teenager I had several "contracts" with the single ladies in the local church. These were all widows in their eighties and nineties who still lived in their own homes but needed someone to look after their properties. That's where I came in. Grass cuttin', garbage collection, tree trimming, storm window installs, snow shoveling, errands galore... and lots of tea & butter cookies. I would finish my work and then sit for tea and cookies listening to countless hours of stories from their lives. A couple ladies had no children so they were pretty much the end of the line but no less worth listening to. Wonderful memories those are..
And I loved working at the Freeport Health Centre. A long-term health care facility where I used to maintain the computers and printers. Always someone around to talk to and hear stories about the good ol' days. Especially the guys. The guys always wanna talk shop.
Good for you for keeping in touch, Lou. If there's one thing you learn working in a long term care facility it's that people need friends. And contact with people who are not related becomes just as important if not more than having family around you.
“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.” Albert Einstein
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louwhoz
Joined: 03/13/05
Posts: 429
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RE: Lost a friend recently
Thursday, January 31, 2008 at 11:07 AM
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Stereofect...thank you for understanding what I was feeling. It's been one week today that he passed and I'm still trying to accept it. I keep walking around thinking "I have a Richard-sized hole in my heart". I talked to his daughter again and the family is doing well. In a few months I'll give her a call and ask her if she wants to talk to me about her Dad. I'd be more than happy to share some of his stories with her, if that is what she wants. A lot of people have told me that if Richard had wanted his daughter to know some of these things about him he would have told her himself. I can respect that perspective, but I think I will leave it up to her. He's gone now and she's left to deal with it. Maybe some of these memories will fill the holes she has in her heart. 
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Kylo
Joined: 02/16/05
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 787
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RE: Lost a friend recently
Thursday, January 31, 2008 at 12:13 PM
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Quote:Lots of observations about birds, trains, the weather (go figure).
Sorry, I had to acknowledge that one.
"Energizer bunny arrested- charged with battery."
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(((stereofect)))
Joined: 09/02/01
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1333
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RE: Lost a friend recently
Friday, February 1, 2008 at 4:47 AM
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Kylo wrote:Sorry, I had to acknowledge that one.
“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.” Albert Einstein
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(((stereofect)))
Joined: 09/02/01
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1333
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RE: Lost a friend recently
Friday, February 1, 2008 at 4:48 AM
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louwhoz wrote:Stereofect...thank you for understanding what I was feeling.|
No problem, Lou. Anytime!
Steve
“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.” Albert Einstein
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