hellscion
Joined: 04/05/06
Posts: 338
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well you may not understand why im saying this here but whatever.. there is no one else to listen. not even sure anyone here will listen. Ok this is about some of the violence ive seen in my time and which still bothers me every time i stop & think about it. When i was much younger no one liked me & had almost been killed more than once by people who werent so kind. why people never liked me i still dont know. eventually i became kind of mean but i didnt realize it until i quit school and got away from the bastard kids for several years. thats what it took for my mind to clear up a little.. but the reason for quitting school. Do you remember columbine? being a goth in public schools in the south in what is known as 'the bible belt' they thought they were doing something good by tormenting me and attacking me when i was alone. they threatened to kill me more than once but i didnt take them seriously. then i got stabbed & yea then i took them a little more seriously. it didnt help that teachers really didnt care.. i had brothers & a sister that were quite crazy and caused lots of trouble so i had a bad reputation without really doing anything. Then after quitting school at about 15 i started working for a living.. in frame carpentry. very self-destructive work that can bring out lots of anger & aggression. also most of the people you work with are ex-convicts and/or dudes that cant drive because of a DUI. anyways. this resulted in all sorts of things like having heavy objects dropped on my head to getting shot with nailguns. then last year someone dropped a nailgun on my head. had to get 4 staples right on the top of my dome.. really split my wig. the same f***in thing happened earlier this year but it was a Level instead of a nailgun.. which made my head swell and left a 1 inch scar between my left eye & eyebrow. the reason im telling you this.. i guess because people that really try to know me.. when i tell them some of this stuff they just leave. decide they dont want to know me. perhaps by saying it to people that i really dont know the reaction wont be so negative. it has been on my mind for a while but i think what has triggered it was earlier today i saw a dude on a bicycle get ran over by a car. i really dont like to see things like that.. it upset me. ok.. later
“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." - Frederick Keonig
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Kylo
Joined: 02/16/05
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 787
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RE: violence..
Tuesday, September 25, 2007 at 3:45 PM
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Holy crap man. One hell of an emotional overflow-- That's a drag; I can't believe those lil' peckers stabbed you. I hope you called the police on them... right?
If you knew who they were, then that's a good time to get them a new job as a frame carpenter you know what I'm sayin? I myself have never been on the pointy end of the sticks with angry people, but I do know that no one deserves to have to worry day to day about a couple of fucktards.
You're only a person with a different set of values, there's nothing wrong with it. So I think you're just moving through tougher obsticles lately ay?
Sorry bout that mate.
Seperate yourself from image and live your own creation. Like you said, no one seems to care right now, so why should you depend on them? Find things about yourself that have quality; or completely seperate your mind and become one with all living things... 
To me a lot of our society is a lot of hype over NOTHING. I think this is why I have such a layed back nature- I wish to admire things with un-natural existance simply because it is different and knowing what something like that is makes us move one step closer to understanding the universe.
 omg philosophy makes my brain hurt.
Don't worry my man, I think you'll find a new way very easily.
"Energizer bunny arrested- charged with battery."
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Subtronik
Joined: 01/14/03
Posts: 1193
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RE: violence..
Tuesday, September 25, 2007 at 4:27 PM
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Sink or swim. We've all had bad experiences.
I was attacked by fifteen gypsies in Turkey, had a flare gun pointed at my head, lived on the streets, gone through a nasty meth addiction, and nearly died twice.
You have to get over things and move on. Our past cannot control our preset or future.
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hellscion
Joined: 04/05/06
Posts: 338
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RE: violence..
Tuesday, September 25, 2007 at 5:52 PM
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**shrugs**
im fine.. just a bad day following a bad week. some things you cant just block out of your mind.. you just have to learn to live with it. that seems to be the thing though.. living
“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." - Frederick Keonig
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Subtronik
Joined: 01/14/03
Posts: 1193
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RE: violence..
Tuesday, September 25, 2007 at 6:39 PM
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I could show you razor blade scars, but that may not matter to you.
Professional consoling is free in Florida.
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louwhoz
Joined: 03/13/05
Posts: 429
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RE: violence..
Tuesday, September 25, 2007 at 7:57 PM
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I can't say "I understand what you're going through, man!" because that would be a lie. Only you know what you're going through. But I have taken a few blows over the years, and it's never easy to talk about. I think it's great you decided to let some of it out.
The ugliness you have endured does not repell me. However, I can see how others may simply view it as baggage. Or have trouble trying to digest all of the darkness at once. Over time you may have developed a little numbness to the pain, but to other people this could be seen as some very heavy shit. Do you lay it on them all at once? It's a lot to take in, and I'm sure this isn't even all of it, right?
I came from a weird childhood full of secrets and illegal activity. I saw violence. And I have seen death. I have seen things that I have completely blocked out from my memory. I was called 'punk-gothic' when I was in highschool. I was the only student with dyed hair. I had people swerve to hit me with their cars, I was beat up in bathrooms BY OTHER GIRLS (this is embarrasing to admit  ) and I did have a person threaten to kill me. The funny thing is that really I was just a quiet, odd, short little artist who didn't drink or do drugs. Eventually everything around me was freaking me out. I chose to handle this by marrying young. I learned the hard way you tend to gravitate toward what you're used to. Those were some dark years.
My life is so unbelievably different now that even I sometimes have trouble accepting it. How I got from 'there' to 'here' was by first getting counseling. It might be hard for you to find someone that you feel is not judging you, but luckily there are a lot of therapists out there. I then got away from the negative aspects in my life. It was a slow process, but I eventually got myself on my two feet and could look myself in the eyes. Then I started to build a life around me...a safe place to live, good friends, a new job. Self confidence and self love are so necessary and so (seemingly) unobtainable.
Try and distance yourself from the most negative things in your life (I agree with Kylo, try and find a new job!)and start putting positive energy into yourself in whatever way you can. Life is all just a series of moments, try and make some of them positive.
Ok, you're right again Kylo...this shit hurts! 
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Brainbelly
Joined: 05/03/02
Location: Mellow Mendocino California
Posts: 124
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RE: violence..
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 12:21 AM
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As a former general building contractor (B#490553) I have to wonder why the job supervisor did not require you to wear a hardhat. Safety laws apply. You might want to talk to a lawyer if you have not already. Some health issues may come up later as a result of these injuries.
http://www.griflaw.com/PracticeAreas/PracticeAreaDescriptions23.asp
As to the violence and having to witness stupidity and harm... balance it with enjoying something beautiful and making space to meditate on other things, like the strange aesthetics of deep sea life (creatures living in total darkness and making their own light and other weird junk) Your involvement in music is another way to realign energy.
"Reality leaves a lot to the imagination, but crossing the road with your eyes closed is easy" -John Lennon - “What relates to reality, is not certain; and what is certain, is not real.” --Albert Einstein
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Kylo
Joined: 02/16/05
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 787
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RE: violence..
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 12:56 AM
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Quote:I was attacked by fifteen gypsies in Turkey, had a flare gun pointed at my head
I've heard the gypsies can get nasty but hell... Don't want to piss them off in Turkey I guess huh?
"Energizer bunny arrested- charged with battery."
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hellscion
Joined: 04/05/06
Posts: 338
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RE: violence..
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 3:03 AM
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Kylo wrote:I hope you called the police on them... right?
hell nah.. 2 of them ended up in prison for rape & murder (in the same incidence) and the other 2 last i heard they got arrested for stealing from a nursing home they worked at 
Brainbelly wrote:As a former general building contractor (B#490553) I have to wonder why the job supervisor did not require you to wear a hardhat. Safety laws apply. You might want to talk to a lawyer if you have not already. Some health issues may come up later as a result of these injuries.
http://www.griflaw.com/PracticeAreas/PracticeAreaDescriptions23.asp
As to the violence and having to witness stupidity and harm... balance it with enjoying something beautiful and making space to meditate on other things, like the strange aesthetics of deep sea life (creatures living in total darkness and making their own light and other weird junk) Your involvement in music is another way to realign energy.
as far as i know no one follows those rigorous safety standards except on commercial jobs where they have supervisors on the job all the time. i work in extensive remodelling.. sometimes there isnt even a port-o-let on the job, & technically its not a valid jobsite without one. much of the time i just have to make things work. its all about money.. if i found another job i would be making less and thus unable to support myself. as far as head injuries.. im not worried about it. people in my family have a long history of being hard-headed.
louwhoz wrote: It's a lot to take in, and I'm sure this isn't even all of it, right?
no there was a lot more to things that happened when i was a kid but thats all kinda disturbing and i dont usually talk about it. the many antics of my crazy & angry family. there is also more going on now that just makes me feel kinda worried for someone else. ive tried to help many other people to overcome things and for many years didnt realize that i probably needed help. although i never searched for it because i had overcome so much with no one around. i will just say life is difficult when youre all alone with your struggles in life. i did just give up at 1 point when i was younger and it took me several years to come back from it. then when i did i was dark & disturbed & took on the fictional alias 'hellscion'. i have no problem moving on from everything thats happened but i really dont have a whole lot of positive memories. its like trying not to think about anything thats happened in the past.. because almost all of it is bad. not sure people believe me on that.. whatever though. thanks to all of you thoughh for listening.
and subz i dont suppose you know les clemens or adam antunes.. a few friends of mind from the kung fu school that were stationed in turkey during the 90s in the military. firing artillery rounds i believe..
“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." - Frederick Keonig
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(((stereofect)))
Joined: 09/02/01
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1333
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RE: violence..
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 7:16 AM
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It's truely incredible the amount of misery we all endure during our lifetimes, isn't it? For some it's downright fucking horrible. Though for a great many of us we catch enough breaks--despite sometimes feeling like we never do--that the misery soon becomes a memory (not to be confused with mammary).
At least it's always worked that way for me. And in forty-five years I've certainly suffered my share of misery. Fortunately I caught a break three years ago and for me life is real good right now. Even if I do drink Molson Canadian.
I wish the same for everyone else too (especially the beer part). It truely is good when it happens.
“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.” Albert Einstein
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Kylo
Joined: 02/16/05
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 787
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RE: violence..
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 8:35 AM
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steve
"Energizer bunny arrested- charged with battery."
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louwhoz
Joined: 03/13/05
Posts: 429
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RE: violence..
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 7:20 PM
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I just read an article about Stephen Colbert in the Sunday's paper. In it he was quoted as saying "I like damaged people. And I am certainly damaged." That struck me immediately. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who feel that way...I'm one of them. It's not gruesome, just more of a 'I tend to like someone who has been through some shit and has lived (and learned) to tell about it' mentality. Damaged people tend to be worth their beans. They can also be insane and make bad neighbors...you just never know.
He also said "If you are laughing you can't be afraid." That one was nice, but I'm not so sure I buy it. I think I have laughed my way through some terrifying crap, but that doesn't mean I wasn't scared shitless while it was happening.
Hmmm... 
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hellscion
Joined: 04/05/06
Posts: 338
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RE: violence..
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 7:51 PM
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i might also add, whats the deal with you subtronik youre kinda weird.. 
have you killed someone or something?
“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." - Frederick Keonig
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Subtronik
Joined: 01/14/03
Posts: 1193
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RE: violence..
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 8:04 PM
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Look outside your window.
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Subtronik
Joined: 01/14/03
Posts: 1193
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RE: violence..
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 8:06 PM
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http://kaduflyer.deviantart.com/art/We-know-Where-You-Live-46490983
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louwhoz
Joined: 03/13/05
Posts: 429
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RE: violence..
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 8:23 PM
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Sonic Wallpaper
Joined: 05/22/01
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 1266
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RE: violence..
Thursday, September 27, 2007 at 7:46 AM
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the only folks who are weird around here are the 'normal' ones
>>>eventually i became kind of mean but i didn't realize it until i quit school and got away from the bastard kids for several years.
People were trying to connect with you in this thread, and your response was to call one of them weird and ask and offensive question of him? That's not the way you thank people who acknowledge you and attempt to help you. Care for others - even people you don't know - and people will start to care about you. Being mean is just a coping skill, and there are many better ways to cope with life.
Things can change and they usually do. Hang in there and be positive.
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Subtronik
Joined: 01/14/03
Posts: 1193
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RE: violence..
Thursday, September 27, 2007 at 8:30 AM
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I think he was joking with me Gid. No big deal either way.
I'm just glad dexter meth doesn't post here anymore
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Subtronik
Joined: 01/14/03
Posts: 1193
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RE: violence..
Thursday, September 27, 2007 at 8:44 AM
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I'd like to mention though that John (as I know him) has mastered the art of running people in circles no matter what the response to him is.
We do communicate privately time to time.
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(((stereofect)))
Joined: 09/02/01
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1333
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Sonic Wallpaper wrote:the only folks who are weird around here are the 'normal' ones
Heh... I resemble that remark.....
“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.” Albert Einstein
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