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(((stereofect)))
Joined: 09/02/01
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1333
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“Today is my last day”
Saturday, April 21, 2007 at 12:08 AM
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I've always wanted to send a letter like this. Maybe you have too?
Dear Co-Workers,
As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”
For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.
I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.
Over the past three years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.
Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "mostly satisfactory." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.
And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.
But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:
To Rudy: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.
To Steven: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.
To Eileen: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these “email forwards.” I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.
To Felix: I left a new wristwatch on your desk. It is so that you might be able to still tell time even without your hourly phone call to let me know the copier is jammed. (Call Steven – he’ll come by.)
And finally, to Kat: you were right - I tested positive. We’ll talk later.
So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.
Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.
Very truly yours,
Chris Kula
PS: I will be throwing myself a happy hour farewell party at the burnt-out bar in the sub-basement of the bus station. Please do not stop by.
“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.” Albert Einstein
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Kylo
Joined: 02/16/05
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 787
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RE: “Today is my last day”
Saturday, April 21, 2007 at 8:24 AM
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Quote:To Rudy: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.
hehe, this reminds me of elementary school. There was a jerk that kept getting into my lunch box dammit! So I rigged it with horse poo the next morning inside a bag of cookies!! I didn't see what happened, but my lunch box was still there when I came to it. 
"Energizer bunny arrested- charged with battery."
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louwhoz
Joined: 03/13/05
Posts: 429
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RE: “Today is my last day”
Tuesday, April 24, 2007 at 11:08 AM
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It sounds freakishly similar to the 'good bye' I left at the DMV. You know it's a good parting of ways when your co-workers give you a 'Will Work for Dick' shirt as a going away gift.
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(((stereofect)))
Joined: 09/02/01
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1333
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RE: “Today is my last day”
Wednesday, April 25, 2007 at 5:09 AM
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That reminds me of an ad campaign that ran, in poster format, on the subway in Toronto some twenty odd years ago. If memory serves, I think it was Ben Wicks (a famous Canadian cartoonist) did the artwork for it. It extolled the virtues of not operating a motor vehicle after consuming alchohol. A problem that, unfortunately, exists to this day (over 70,000 Canadians are killed or injured by drunk drivers every year). Anywho... the campaign borrowed from the ol' "Fun With Dick and Jane" series of books but added a twist. It went like this....
See Dick drink
See Dick drive
See Dick crash
Don't be a Dick
Pretty good I thought, especially since it has stuck with me all these years.
“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.” Albert Einstein
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louwhoz
Joined: 03/13/05
Posts: 429
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RE: “Today is my last day”
Wednesday, April 25, 2007 at 10:10 AM
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I have a friend who's father's name is 'Dick'. He has recently gone through some rough times but has managed to land on his feet. In a humorous attempt to cheer his Dad up he was thinking of spoofing the same ad campaign and making him a shirt that read:
See Dick fall down an elevator shaft.
See Dick have quadrupal bypass surgery.
See Dick get hit by a car while crossing the street.
Don't be a Dick.
I know his Dad and I think he would love it!
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(((stereofect)))
Joined: 09/02/01
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1333
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RE: “Today is my last day”
Wednesday, April 25, 2007 at 10:12 AM
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“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.” Albert Einstein
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nokalypse
Joined: 06/11/02
Location: Athens, Greece
Posts: 73
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RE: “Today is my last day”
Wednesday, June 20, 2007 at 5:57 PM
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BRUTAL
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